I’ve eaten enough in the past three months to last me the entire bloody year!

I had quit a difficult day yesterday.

I had only 4 hours of sleep, but manage to go on my sunday hike (hiked a total of 8.9 miles in 3 hours). This was the highlight of my day basically.

Fact is i feel very vulnerable not knowing my weight and not being in control of it (even if i do lose control and binge, at least there is a sense of control in all this). Everything else around my is a mess. I hate myself and my life a lot! I feel sorry & sad for the people around me.

It was worth the try, self recovery. But without my attention one food, weight, calories, exercise for weight-loss, my attention was turned to things that i cant stand to think about. So i’d rather have my attention on me, at least i can delude myself into believing i can control myself.

Still hard to eat but i think am getting better.

Finally got to run 6.5 miles yesterday.

Ive developed an irregular sleep and eat habit that i would desperately like to get rid of. I dont eat during the day, but eat at night. I hate this. Insomnias chosen to stay in-spite of me eating.

Eating in general isnt easy for me right now.

Didn’t really have an appetite but i eat.

I went running yesterday, but only totaled 3.7 miles. 2.5 miles ran then walked the rest. My goal is six miles of straight running which i have the energy for.

I ended up fasting yesterday. (its been 33 hours 40 minutes since i ve had food)

Am not sure if this is a good thing.

I also did 2000 jump-ropes and a few ab exercises yesterday.

I didnt anticipate this to be this hard. I feel HUGE!

Yesterday was hard. The guilt, self loathing, etc all attacked with full force, but i continued. It still felt like a binge when i eat but i managed.  I did 20 minutes on the stepper which i did enjoy, but I really want to start running again, (long distance). Now that am eating i’ll have the energy to cover a longer distance. Problem is my motivation for exercise has been weight-loss for so long now that exercising for fun seems foreign. My moral for exercising is really low, cause i wont get to step on the scale and see the numbers go down.

I really need i get other aspects of my life together as well.

This is my temporary goal for January.

I owe it to myself to at least try, seeing that i haven’t gotten to my ultimate goal weight (83 lbs) after three years of trying. I fast, restrict, over exercise my way to about 107lbs then binge my way back to 115lbs+. Am hoping the healthy way might help me reach my goal weight and maintain. Even if am at least 93 lbs by the end of the year i’ll feel a little better.

Guidelines: (am wondering if to even have any rules, cuz i end up breaking then anyway. But i see nosense in not having a few even if i break em).

1. No scales (i weigh myself everyday, but am putting up the scale today! i’ll weigh on the last day of the month)

2. No counting calories (i’ll just follow my natural tummy signals)

3. No over exercising (am free to work out, but not for weight-loss but for out door aesthetics, serotonin release, and a healthy heart. Above all i actual love working out! so this is a change in my motivation.)

4. No coffee?! (yeah am not so sure about this one. Am too in love with coffee to let it go).

5. No fasting (only when there’s an absolute need).

If by the 31st of January i lose anything or even maintain, i’ll consider full recovery.

Am 117.4 lbs as of 12 noon Jan. 10 2012.

BMI = 20.8

God ive been on a non stop binge now for too long..
I’ve lost all motivation and will power. Am bascially drained, tried and dont even want to try anymore. When all i do is end up right where i started.

It’s frustrating, not to mention discouraging.

I just want to be 93 lbs. How could this be seeming this impossible!?

Can i lose without gaining it back?

HOW?